Questions
by Infusiion
Summary: Even Lilly Rush has doubts...


**well, here it is. my very first Cold Case fic. I usually write House MD fics, so bear with me. I found this quite challenging, to be honest. I kind of wrote it to pass the time, but ended up putting quite a bit of effort into it. DISCLAIMER: I own nobody.**

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It had been one of those days. Those days where you feel the whole world is against you, and forces beyond your control are hell-bent on making your life miserable. And no matter what you do, you cannot break through the heavy clouds that drift over your shoulders.

Lilly knows those days all too well. She goes for a run on those days. She runs until all she hears is the pounding of feet on the pavement, synched to the beating of her heart.

Unfortunately, she cannot drown out the questions that arise on 'those days'. Yes, Detective Lilly Rush, the Iron-Woman of the cold case squad, has doubts. She has doubts that eat away at her conscience until her dreams are replaced with endless tossing and turning, and tear stains on her pillow. Her cats take up residence on her back on those nights; offering comfort and support that she appreciates, but cannot feel.

This evening as she closes and locks her front door, her mind drifts to her current case. Missing persons are always the hardest. Its never easy working the case, especially when the killer gets away. It's never easy telling a mother her son is dead after being missing for two-and-a-half years. Never easy looking into those eyes, eyes lined with two-and-a-half years of worry, and etching more with the harsh truth.

_We try to deliver the news with compassion_, Lilly reasoned with herself as she ran, _and we offer a shoulder to cry on if they want one. _But with this last thought she quickened her pace, her teeth bared in frustration. _They don't want a shoulder to cry on_, her heart cried, _they want their child back. They want us to jump up and cry 'April Fools!' And pull their child from the shadows, well and whole. They want us to tell them everything is ok._

"Everything isn't ok." Lilly growled. "Nothing's _fucking_ ok!" She cried, throwing herself at the mercy of the pavement, not feeling her feet anymore – only the fierce drumming in her chest. On she ran, until her vision doubled and her head spun. Right on time. She had reached the park. She was miles from her apartment, yet there was the bench that had become like a home to her. Each time she ran her feet carried her here, and she was grateful. She stood in front of it and let her legs give way, relying on the bench to catch her. And it did.

Lilly sat with her legs sprawled out in front, taking huge gulps of air to steady her breathing. After a few minutes it slowed, and she allowed herself to sit up.

The bench was alongside the path, which surrounded a grass playing field. In the distance Lilly watched two little girls on the playground, laughing and shouting with glee, while their parents took photos. _Something to remember_. Lilly thought, praying she would never see those photos.

It seemed every few seconds a different person passed by. Some smiled at her, some nodded, some kept their eyes ahead. She wondered how many of these people had committed a crime in their lifetime and never been caught. How many had murdered an innocent being? Too many murderers get away with it each year. She knows that for a fact. She's gazed into their eyes on countless occasions, and she's watched them walk out the door. It happened too often.

Finally, she came to that inevitable, age-old question: Why?

_Why do I do this?_ She asked herself silently, shaking her head. _Why do I even try? We're lucky to lock one killer up every fortnight. Two-and-a-half years is a long time to get away with murder. Why should they get caught now?_

Tears of frustration welled up behind her eyes. She clenched her jaw and exhaled sharply through her nose, ordering them back. _I will not cry. I have shed too many tears. _But, as always, she was defeated. It almost pained her to admit the cool liquid felt soothing against her burning cheeks. She hated defeat. She hated feeling so powerless. Powerless against the sorrow, powerless against the doubt, powerless against the enemy.

She hated feeling weak, yet here she was. Admitting weakness. Admitting defeat. Why not just give in? She hated that too, but since when has that stopped her? She wiped her cheeks furiously. _There's no point in trying_. She decided. _They'll only get away with it. Maybe every now and then we'll catch the doer, but people still die. _

With this last thought one of the young girls squealed as her father pulled her from the slide and swung her in a circle, her sister roaring with laughter at the sight. Fresh tears threatened to fall as Lilly watched them playing, her eyes unseeing.

She had forgotten the victims. The innocent souls who had to die in order for her team to even glance ata suspect. She was right; whether or not they caught the killer, people still had to die. Why bother?

"So they can be heard," She murmured. _We listen to the killer's voice. What about the voices he and his kind have silenced? It wasn't their choice to die; don't they deserve to be heard? _

Lilly wiped her cheeks for the second time as she continued to watch the family across the field. From her position on the bench she could hear the little girls' peals of laughter ringing out like crystal bells. She imagined the crystal shattering; the parents left with nothing but broken shards - as painful to hold onto as the memories themselves, but absolutely necessary if they wanted to preserve them.

Could she piece the bells back together? Could she restore the girls' life? No. But she could honour their memory. She could see to it that the bastard who broke them is locked away, or even put to sleep. Even if he gets away, she could rest easier knowing they were not forgotten, and that 'bastard' is aware that he will be punished should he be caught. _Basically, I will rest easier knowing he won't be. Nice, Lil._She thought to herself with a faint smile flitting across her lips.

Content with the fact that she had convinced herself, once again, to keep fighting for the forgotten victims, Lilly got up and started her walk home.

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_hmm.. i feel it is lacking something. please, review and tell me what you think. Be warned: flames that are flamed without good reason will be replied to. :shakes fist: oh yeah, you be scared! Seriously, reviews are appreciated. House is so much easier to write, so I think I'll go work on one of my many (3) unfinished fics. Toodles._


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